We have spent this week on Spring Break and have taken time to relax, explore, and enjoy our time together. This evening, we will attend our church’s tenebrae service for Good Friday and will celebrate the resurrection of our risen Savior on Sunday.
I wish you many blessings on this day and if you do not know the love of Christ, feel free to reach out to me. I would be happy to tell you all about how much He loves you.
He is Risen!
He is Risen, indeed!
The short answer is, “yes”. If you don’t have time to read all the different reasons why yoga is not outside of the realm of Christianity, you can stop here. If you are a Christian and you want to try yoga, go ahead. It’s not going to break your relationship with Jesus and will most likely enhance it. Go get your mat and learn some asanas.
For others who want some more background, keep reading. I’m going to talk about the background of yoga, how it can develop your faith, and some objections to Christians practicing yoga.
Even before I practiced yoga, I heard people say that Christians can’t or shouldn’t do yoga. The biggest reason is that ancient yoga comes from Hinduism and Christians cannot perform any religious practice that comes from another religion. Y’all, I really love you, but I’m trying super hard to not eyeroll right now. I’ll go into this more in the next section, but let me just say for now that ancient yoga and modern yoga have very little in common, other than the asanas (or poses).
While this might have been true in ancient yoga (it’s not mentioned in any of the books I have), it isn’t in modern yoga and it doesn’t have to be for you. It’s all about intention here. Paul asks the people of Corinth, “Don’t you know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit? The Spirit is in you, and you have received the Spirit from God. You do not belong to yourselves. Christ has paid the price for you. So use your bodies in a way that honors God,” (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). I believe that yoga can be used to show honor to God, if that is where your intention is.
When I get on the mat every morning, I do so with the intent to get healthy and take care of my body. I want to care for my body because God created it just for me. It is my job to care for it and doing so honors God. There are many types of exercises you can do to be healthy and care for your body, but I prefer yoga because of the emphasis on self care and moving your body with intention.
Like many other things in this world, overemphasizing sex and sensuality has plagued yoga. Let me first say that sex is a good and healthy expression of love between two married persons. It should feel good and there is nothing wrong with enjoying sex. But with that said, yoga has nothing to do with sex. It is our culture’s over obsession with sex and, especially, with porn that has tainted yoga as being overly sensual.
I know a lot of yoga is about finding what feels good, but it is not in a sexy or sensual way. It is about learning how your body and muscles move and learning to not overexert yourself by pushing into a pose that you aren’t ready for. For example, I can make my heels touch the ground while doing downward dog, but it stretches and hurts more than is ok. If I force my body there, I’m in pain for the rest of the day. However, if I find what feels good or what feels right, my heels are about an inch off the ground and my body feels strong.
If we call all things that have to do with physical feelings “sensual” and then outlaw them, we’d be left with very little to do.
Yoga can be New Age, if that’s your focus. It can also be Christian. Or Hindu. Or atheistic. Yoga is meant to be spiritual, but it doesn’t have to be, so atheists could totally participate. A lot of people tie it to New Age Spiritualism because it doesn’t tie you down to a specific spirit. Now, you could practice with a yoga instructor that teaches New Age Spiritualism, but you don’t have to. By now, many of you know that I follow Yoga with Adriene for most of my yoga flows. She does not spout spiritualism of any kind.
Namaste means “the spirit in me honors the spirit in you.” That’s a pretty Christian idea, if you ask me. Is it present in other religions? Yeah, sure, but they don’t lay exclusive claim to it. In fact, in many Bible studies over the years, I have learned of the importance of acknowledging the Spirit in my brothers and sisters around me. Doing this actually helps prevent a lot of the negative and judgmental thoughts we humans are prone to.
Ancient yoga originated in India thousands of years ago. Practitioners would seclude themselves away from the rest of the world (think monks) and completely dedicate themselves to uniting or yoking their mind, body, and spirit. This is what yoga means, literally to “yoke” or unite. Yoga was a part of social and cultural constructs in India, including their belief in the caste system. Yoga was a way to move up the ladder of that system. Back in the ancient days, yoga was practiced entirely by men. Women weren’t allowed to practice yoga until the 1900s! Ancient yoga was taught one-on-one and practitioners lived very Spartan lives (again, think monks).
Ancient yoga is very different from modern yoga which came into being in the 1900s as Eastern yogis travelled to Europe and America spreading their styles of yoga. Modern yoga is not religious, though it can be tied into the religion you practice. Modern yoga is practiced primarily by women in group setting who own all. the. things. yoga-related.
Yoga is blend of physical exercises, meditation and prayer, and breathing exercises. It also includes a general “do no harm” philosophy and a high moral code that will bring you closer to God (whether that is the triune God from Christianity or another God is up to you).
The most common form of yoga in the West is Hatha Yoga and it has an 8-limbed approach. The first two limbs focus on the moral code and includes refraining from certain actions, studying spiritual works (like the Bible or theology books), devotion to God, and cleanliness (aka eating well). The third limb is the one everyone recognizes as yoga – the asanas or poses. These poses are meant to help clear your mind and prepare your body for meditation.
Don’t be wise in your own eyes.
Proverbs 3:7-8
Have respect for the Lord and avoid evil.
That will bring health to your body.
It will make your bones strong.
The fourth limb is the pranayama or breathing practice. This is one that many Christians have a problem with because prana means “life energy” or “life force”. To make a long argument short, some say that messes with things we’re not meant to mess with. However, this is a huge misunderstanding of the point of pranayama. The breathing practices in this limb are among the same practices I’ve learned for controlling anxiety, for controlling my breathing in exercising, and for relaxation. It is well known that slowing your breath, taking deep breaths, can help calm a restless or anxious heart. Your breath is important because it’s necessary for your life, but how you breathe is equally important. For example, when you hyperventilate, your brain convinces your body that you don’t have enough oxygen, when in fact the opposite is true. You end up with too much oxygen in your brain and you pass out. Learning to control your breath is a good practice.
The 5th through 8th limbs of the Hatha Yoga approach do tend to lend themselves more into ancient Indian practices and beliefs about enlightenment. That said, meditation and prayer are important to a spiritual life, regardless of what religion you follow.
In 1957, Swami Vishnudevananda came to the West with his five principals of yoga to improve physical health & mental health, as well as develop your connection to your God. These are proper exercise, proper breathing, proper diet, proper relaxation, and positive thinking and meditation. These are the 5 things that I focus on most.
As a Christian, I have found that practicing yoga first thing in the morning helps me set an intention for my day, wakes up my sleepy mind, and gives me time to pray. My Bible study companions jokingly say I need to pray during yoga so I don’t fall or because the poses hurt! While that is true sometimes, I find that especially in savasana (corpse pose) and child’s pose, I am able to determine my mindset for the day (positive thinking!) and spend some time talking to and listening for God. The harder poses wake up my body and my mind so I can really begin to think about what I need to say to God. I can think back on the Scriptures I read before getting to my mat and pray about them specifically.
When I start my day with yoga, I am able to spend my day focused more clearly on God’s path for me. I have set my intention on what I believe God’s path for me is and I am able to walk it with Him.
I rarely leave time for myself to do yoga in the evening before bed, but when I do, I am always grateful for it. Not only do I sleep better that night, but I spend that extra bit of time with myself and with God, letting go of the day and handing it over to Him. Yoga has definitely only drawn me closer to God.
Aside from the mindset and content spirit that I have found, yoga has led to a much healthier body. Physical health is something God is deeply concerned with. John, in his 3rd letter from exile, writes that he hopes the letter finds the followers of Christ to be as healthy in body as they are strong in faith (3 John 1:2). Daniel and his friends refused to eat the rich food and drink the wine given to them by the king and they instead ate vegetables. The kings attendants almost wouldn’t allow this, worried that they would be too weak to serve the king, but Daniel convinced them to let him try and at the end of their trial period, he and his friends were healthier and stronger than all the other slaves (Daniel 1:8-16). Even the author of Ecclesiastes reminds us to refuse to worry and keep our bodies healthy (Ecclesiastes 11:10).
So friends, if you’re worried about how God feels about your yoga practice, talk to Him about it, find your intentions behind it, and remember that God wants you to do what draws you nearer to Him.
1everyBODY Yoga. Stanley, Jessamyn. Workman Publishing, 2017
2YOGA: Your Home Practice Companion. Sivanda Yoga Vedanta Yoga Center. DK Publishing, 2018.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand, all other ground is sinking sand.”
United Methodist Hymnal #368
As I walk this journey towards health, I often contemplate how I am able to do it this time when so many other times I failed. In 2011, the only way I could lose weight was by basically starving myself because I hadn’t yet learned how to eat a low calorie count that was filling. In 2019, I struggled to lose 12 lbs and then immediately gained it all back. Yet here at the beginning of 2021, I sit at nearly 40 lbs lost. What’s different?
I contemplate this a lot. I have come to many great conclusions that all make perfect sense. I have more knowledge about my diagnoses of PCOS and diabetes. I have a dietician. I have access to the internet where there is more and more information about eating and exercising. I have a little bit more money so I could invest in a Fitbit device and track my weight, water, sleep, exercise, etc.
But really, those aren’t it. I mean… those things all play a part, but they are not the complete picture. Each of those previous times, I was placing my hope and my faith in myself, in my body, in the exercise. When my willpower waned, as it will inevitably do, I had nothing else to lean on for support. Sure, I had my husband and my closest friends, and they’re wonderful… but they’re human.
I saw someone this morning share a meme with the lyrics from “My Hope is Built” a hymn that is found in over 90 hymnals, including the one I use every Sunday morning, the United Methodist Hymnal.
Here are the lyrics:
1. My hope is built on nothing less
than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
but wholly lean on Jesus’ name.
Refrain: On Christ the solid rock I stand,
all other ground is sinking sand;
all other ground is sinking sand.
2. When darkness veils his lovely face,
I rest on his unchanging grace.
In every high and stormy gale,
my anchor holds within the veil.
(Refrain)
3. His oath, his covenant, his blood
supports me in the whelming flood.
When all around my soul gives way,
he then is all my hope and stay.
(Refrain)
4. When he shall come with trumpet sound,
O may I then in him be found!
Dressed in his righteousness alone,
faultless to stand before the throne!
(Refrain)
The lyrics from this hymn are based on Luke 6:47-49. Here, Jesus tells the crowds following him, “I will show you what it’s like when someone comes to me, listens to my teaching, and then follows it. It is like a person building a house who digs deep and lays the foundation on solid rock. When the floodwaters rise and break against that house, it stands firm because it is well built. But anyone who hears and doesn’t obey is like a person who builds a house right on the ground, without a foundation. When the floods sweep down against that house, it will collapse into a heap of ruins.”
This is the difference this time around. When I don’t want to get on the mat to practice yoga, the Holy Spirit urges me out of bed. When I hit a slow down in weight loss, I cry out to God, through Christ, and he encourages me to keep going. When I’m hungry for more than I’m allowed, when a yoga pose is challenging, when I feel incapable of going on… I lean on Christ, my rock, my foundation. Like the song says, “in every high and stormy gale, my anchor holds within in the vale” and like Jesus himself says, “When the floodwaters rise and break against that house, it stands firm.” My new life is the house needing to withstand the floodwaters and Christ is my foundation that I am building this new life on. It is only through him and his strength that I can succeed.
I was a Christian all those other times that I tried to lose weight. I had faith and leaned on Christ for so many things. I don’t know why I didn’t give my weight and my health to him before now. Fear, maybe. Maybe I wasn’t ready to let go yet. I know full well that when I ask God to step in and guide me, He will, so that’s probably it. I wasn’t ready to hand it over to God. But now that I have, he’s got this.
Now, I recognize that many of you are likely not Christian so this message of strength through God may not resonate with you. But if you want to know more, feel free to contact me. I would love to have a conversation about faith and how it sustains me.
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This morning, out of genuine curiosity, I used biblegateway.com to search the Bible for the word love. According to this online Bible, the word love appears 686 time in the NIV or 504 times in the NKJV. In the HCSB, which I use most often, it appears 700 times. Not only that, it appears in nearly every book of the Bible. So needless to say, Scripture has a lot to say about love – whether it’s God’s love for us, our love for Him, or how we should love others.
I want to highlight a few of those verses…
Joshua 22:5
Only carefully obey the command and instruction that Moses the Lord’s servant gave you: to love the Lord your God, walk in all His ways, keep His commands, remain faithful to Him, and serve Him with all your heart and all your soul.”
1 Chronicles 16:34
Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His faithful love endures forever.
Psalm 5:7
But I enter Your house by the abundance of Your faithful love; I bow down toward Your holy temple in reverential awe of You.
Psalm 85:10
Faithful love and truth will join together; righteousness and peace will embrace.
Proverbs 10:12
Hatred stirs up conflicts, but love covers all offenses.
Proverbs 12:1
Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but one who hates correction is stupid.
Luke 6:27-36
“But I say to you who listen: Love your enemies, do what is good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If anyone hits you on the cheek, offer the other also. And if anyone takes away your coat, don’t hold back your shirt either. Give to everyone who asks you, and from one who takes your things, don’t ask for them back. Just as you want others to do for you, do the same for them. If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. If you do what is good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do what is good, and lend, expecting nothing in return. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High. For He is gracious to the ungrateful and evil. Be merciful, just as your Father also is merciful.
1 Corinthians 13:1-3
If I speak human or angelic languages but do not have love, I am a sounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith so that I can move mountains but do not have love, I am nothing. And if I donate all my goods to feed the poor, and if I give my body in order to boast but do not have love, I gain nothing.
Hebrews 10:24
And let us be concerned about one another in order to promote love and good works…
Hebrews 13:5
Your life should be free from the love of money. Be satisfied with what you have, for He Himself has said, I will never leave you or forsake you.
James 2:8
Indeed, if you keep the royal law prescribed in the Scripture, Love your neighbor as yourself, you are doing well.
And I’ll end with this one, which just happens to be the memory verse my 5 year old is working on this month:
Matthew 22:36-39
“Teacher, which command in the law is the greatest?”
He said to him, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the greatest and most important command. The second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself
For those of us who call ourselves Christian, we are a people of LOVE. We are not a people called to hate of any kind, not even against our enemies (see the verse from Luke above). Regardless of who you voted for, it is time now to do the work of loving our neighbors, loving our enemies, and loving our God and Savior, Jesus Christ. It is my ardent prayer today and in the days ahead that God, through the Holy Spirit can melt our hardened hearts and can soften on thick skin so we can see one another as we truly are: children of a merciful, graceful, and loving God.
Brothers and sisters in Christ, we are not called to hatred. We must turn away from the temptation to see doom and despair and to blame the other side. We must set aside name-calling and the temptation to view the world as us vs. them. We are not republicans or democrats, we are children of the King, sons and daughters of God because of the inheritance that Jesus Christ bought and paid for. I have seen some saying that Jesus must be weeping today and I believe that is probably true. I believe he is grieved every time one of us tears down another of us. I don’t believe he is weeping over our election, but over our treatment of each other. May God forgive us, all of us, for we have not loved like He loves.
I want to end this with a prayer for you, each of you, and a prayer for our country.
Father God, thank you so much for your Word which guides and teaches us. This morning, I as that you work to melt our hardened hearts and soften our thick skin. For anyone who is hurt and grieving, I ask for comfort. For anyone who is sick or weary, I ask for strength. For anyone who is joyful, I ask you join them in celebration. God, forgive us for the times we have hurt you by the way we hurt each other. Forgive us for not following your commands, for not seeking justice and not loving mercy as you instructed. Forgive us for hating our enemies instead of loving them, for forgetting who our neighbors are. Protect us, O Lord, from ourselves. Heal our country, unite divisions, repair broken bonds. In the name of your son, Jesus the Christ, through the power of the Holy Spirit, to glorify God the Father, amen.
Ya’ll, I’ve been struggling with the events of Saturday in Charlottesville, VA.
Part of me wants to avoid talking about it at all. It’s uncomfortable. It’s hard.
Part of me wants to scream at people and point my finger in the faces of the white supremacists, the neo-Nazis, the alt-right shouting “racist!”
Neither one is the appropriate response. You and I both know that. The first is cowardly at best and part of the problem at worst. The second is full of anger and hate and will get us nowhere.
What’s more, I’m the wife of a pastor. A Christian woman. A mother. That means I stand for something – peace, love, compassion, grace. I should be the picture of grace and mercy. Ha. The truth is, most days I barely have enough grace for my husband and children, let a lone the rest of the world.
So what do I do?
The youth leader/ children’s minister/ bible teacher in me says, a little too gleefully, “Let’s use the Wesleyan Quadrilateral!” [Insert groan and exaggerated eye roll here.]
But OK. Let’s do this. The Wesleyan Quadrilateral is a methodology for theological reflection that is credited to John Wesley. It uses 4 “sides” – Scripture, reason, experience, and tradition to reflect on our world.
So what does Scripture tell me to do in the face of racism?
First, I should be clear by what I mean by racism. Part me of thinks it’s a little silly to have to explain this. Part of me thinks it’s really sad that I need to explain this. And part of me gets that racism will never go away unless we define and decry ALL forms of racism. This blog has a fantastic description of what he describes as the four levels of racism. Rather than me quoting everything here, just click the link and read it. Basically, anything from ignoring a racist joke to claiming you aren’t racist solely because you have black friends to quietly believing whites are better than blacks to actively working to make your race higher than others… all of that and everything in between – that’s racism.
In case you were unaware, searching “racism” on Bible Gateway brings up zero results. But this is why I love my bible app. Because it knows me and it knows when I search for a word like “racism”, I’m searching for something more than that. My results here largely centered on favoritism, but one is about love and hate.
The first result that comes up is James 2:9, “But if you show favoritism, you commit sin and are convicted by the law as transgressors.”
The fourth result is John 7:24, “Stop judging according to outward appearances; rather judge according to righteous judgment.” My commentary says this is probably alluding to Leviticus 19:15, which says, “You must not act unjustly when deciding a case. Do not be partial to the poor or give preference to the rich; judge your neighbor fairly.”
Romans 2:11 says it very simply, “There is no favoritism with God.”
And finally, 1 John 2:10-11 says this, “The person loving a brother and sister stays in the light, and there is nothing in the light that causes a person to stumble. But the person who hates a brother or sister is in the darkness and lives in the darkness, and doesn’t know where to go because the darkness blinds the eyes.”
From this little bit of research, I can determine what I already reasoned to be true – racism is wrong because it’s a form of favoritism and it is the embodiment of hate. My experience tells me the same thing. I have watched friends be treated differently because of their race and I have seen the hurt in their eyes. My tradition also tells me it’s wrong. By tradition, I mean what my religion, culture, and family history teach me. If you have lots of free time or you are genuinely curious about the United Methodist Church’s stance on racism, click here to read what we believe.
But… I already knew that racism is wrong. My question is – what do I do about it?
Let’s go back to Scripture.
The first verse I found in my search for the Bible’s response was James 2:9. Reading a little bit further on, James says, “Speak and act as those who will be judged by the law of freedom. For judgement is without mercy to the one who hasn’t show mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgment.” (2:12-13). Here, my commentary says that James is exhorting his readers to have a proper attitude. The phrase “speak and act” refers to “hearing and doing” and tempered speech. The judgment he speaks of here is end times judgment, meaning if I have used ill-tempered speech when judging others for their sins, I will not be shown mercy at the end of times. If I hope to receive mercy for the things I have done in this life, then I need to be using mercy in the here and now.
The next verse I brought out was John 7:24 and the commentary directed us to Leviticus 19:15. I’m not going to quote the full passage here, but I will link it for you to read – Leviticus 19:15-18. Verse 17 tells us “Rebuke your neighbor directly, and you will not incur guilt because of him.” One way for us to show love to our neighbors is to tell them when they have done wrong. This doesn’t mean pointing out every little human error people make. Seriously. Who has time for that? Who has the heart to withstand that from someone? No one. This does mean, though, that when someone has done something hurtful or has committed some sin, tell that person. This is a standard I have long followed. My experience backs up this scripture.
In case you’re wondering, my commentary directs me back to New Testament writings for examples of leaders rebuking those they served: 1 Timothy 5:20, 2 Timothy 4:2, Titus 1:9, 13, and 2:15. Speaking with my husband, his experience backs this up. As a leader in the church, it is his responsibility to correct those he serves (his congregation).
Next, we looked at Romans 2:11. A further reading of the first 11 verses of Romans chapter 2, appears to be an exhortation against enacting judgment on your fellow man. If you’re like me, this one is a little confusing at first because “judge” seems pretty similar to “rebuke”. But they aren’t. To rebuke someone is to essentially point out to a person that they have done something harmful or hurtful and you want them to know (theoretically so that they can right that wrong).
That word judge in verse one is a hard one, though. Using the Blue Letter Bible, I found the greek word and looked it up. The primary use for krinō is to separate, put asunder, to pick out, select, choose. So let’s plug that into the verse:
Therefore, any one of you who [separates, puts asunder, picks out] is without excuse. For when you [separate, put asunder, pick out] another, you condemn yourself, since you, the judge, do the same things.
So, if I’m understanding this correctly, Romans 2 is counselling me against separating myself from people who do things I think are wrong. So if a person I’m friends with acts in a racist manner, I should not separate them from me (unless of course, I or my family is in danger. Always always always keep yourself safe. If your are friends with someone who could endanger you, please create some distance and stay out of harms way!). Rather, I should maintain our relationship while rebuking their behavior.
Lastly, let’s take a final look at 1 John 2 again. John tells us exactly why he’s writing in that very first verse: “I am writing you these things so that you may not sin. But if anyone does sin, we have an advocate with the Father – Jesus Christ the Righteous One.” In verses 12-14, he gives more reasons for writing – “… because your sins have been forgiven… because you have come to know the One who is from the beginning… because you have had victory over the evil one… because you have come to know the Father… because you are strong, God’s word remains in you…”
My commentary sums John’s reasons up in four points: 1. to promote fellowship and joy, 2. to help readers avoid the pitfalls of sin and find forgiveness, 3. protect them from false teachers, and 4. so they would know they had eternal life. Reason number 2 is the one I’m focusing on tonight – help others avoid the pitfalls of sin and find forgiveness.
Bottom line? What should I do when faced with racism? What does Scripture tell me to do? Speak out, in a tempered and merciful manner. Rebuke those who are racist. Guide them to correct their ways. Do not separate myself from them (unless I could be in danger). Help others avoid the pitfalls of sin and find forgiveness in Jesus Christ.
My experience tells me that this will not be easy. My reason has me wondering just exactly how this will play out and what exactly I’ll say or do. My tradition tells me to pray first before every interaction.
To my friends of color, I see you. I see your pain. I can’t possibly know what you go through on a daily basis, facing hate just because you woke up not white. And I’m sorry. And I ask that you push me and challenge me to stand up for you. To give you a voice but not speak for you.
To my white friends. I will call you out when you are racist (or hateful in any other way), but I will not unfriend you. I will not shun you. I will not separate you.
Heavenly Father,
I praise you. I fall at your feet in worship of you, O Lord. As I read these scriptures tonight, I myself was reminded of your mercy and grace. Your redemptive powers are amazing. I am not deserving of them. But still you grant me salvation. Tonight, I ask that you watch over our country that is so torn by hate. I ask that you bring healing to those who are physically wounded and to those that are feeling the sting of despair. I pray that you give courage to those too afraid to speak out against hate, against violence, but most of all against racism. I pray that you embolden me to speak out against racism. It is evil. It is not how you made this world to be. God I thank you for your word. I thank you for the powers of reason, for my experiences in this life, and for the traditions I have learned. These help me to seek You out in times like this.
Amen.
This week, we had the opportunity to attend the Kentucky Annual Conference. And by “we”, I mean James had to go, but the kids and I were able to go also. So we packed up and spent a couple days in Bowling Green. During the first day of conference, I went to the Clergy Spouses’ Luncheon. Bishop Al Gwinn’s wife Joyce gave a moving speech. First, she introduced us to who our Bishop’s late wife was. She spoke lovingly of Priscilla Fairley that I felt like I knew her afterwards. I’m saddened that I will not get to meet Bishop Fairley’s wife until I get to Heaven, myself.
After that beautiful tribute, Mrs. Gwinn talked about how important it is – especially as clergy and clergy’s spouses – to know where we come from. It’s important to reflect and spend time with Jesus to maintain our spirtual health. We should reflect each day on what has happened and where the Spirit has led us. We also need to, at times, reflect on the course of lives, the who, where, and what, that has shaped us. As we grow from child to teen to adult, we encounter people and places and even things that shape who we become. As Methodist clergy spouses, we move from place to place on the intinerant system. So many places and people will shape us. Moving boxes, packing and unpacking, will even shape us.
Mrs. Gwinn had us write a poem entitled Where I’m From and include the people, places, things, and even sayings that make up who each of us are. Here is mine…
Where I’m From
I’m from a mother who never wanted me
And a grandma who did.
We baked cookies and sewed and sang
“You Are My Sunshine”.
I’m from my Daddy who is actually my grandpa
And his stories about the camp he grew up in
And his love stories about my gran.
I’m from railroad history lessons
And shopping for fudge at Union Station.
I’m from tacos and enchiladas
And eating at all the Mexican restaurants in town.
I’m from a lonely unwanted place of fear
And fighting and hiding
Where tears are weakness
And words never stopped hurting.
I’m from tap shoes and ballet slippers and “5, 6, 7, 8!”
I’m from St. Louis City
And buildings that touch the sky;
The zoo and the Cardinals
And I bleed blue.
I come from a love of reading
Stephen King and Dean Koontz
Drumsticks and “1, 2, 3, 4!”
I’m from Pikes Peak and Uncle Manuel.
I’m from Oklahoma
Where I’m Aunt Brenda’s “ija” and summers are long.
I’m from my childhood best friend, Barb Bast
And late night movies.
I’m a Fox Warrior and a SEMO Indian.
SEMO is where I fell in love with James
During late night talks.
I’m from a place of deep hurt
And learning to overcome.
I’m from rue21 and shift work
And never seeing my husband;
Long nights awake while he worked
And long days working to make ends almost meet.
I’m a mother of babies and more babies.
Motherhood defines me.
I’m from Grace United Methodist Church
Where I finally found Jesus.
And I’m from Children’s Ministry
Where I shared His love.
I’m from Scott & Michelle who loved us,
Tom & Candie who encouraged us,
Steve & Sherry who taught & led us.
I’m from Shauna & UMW & OUAT,
Craft nights, Pampered Chef, Bible Study,
And loving each other no matter what.
I’m from moving boxes and
My new Kentucky home –
Ministry and loneliness,
“You guys” and “Y’all”,
New friends and a great call.
But above all, I’m from a God who loves me,
Jesus who chose me before I knew Him,
And the Holy Spirit who fills me up each day.
This is me. This is where I’m from.
I was texting with a friend earlier this week and she said something that started my mind wandering… She said, “If they only knew what you gave up to be here…” So I thought I’d ruminate a little on that. Before you get too caught up in what we gave up to come to Kentucky, I will also write about why we came and what we’ve gained.
If you only knew what we gave up to be here…
Shopping!! (Yes, I’m starting with silly stuff). I had no idea how hard it would be to shop at Kroger instead of Schnucks. I miss Aldi. I miss having a grocery store in town. I miss Target being less than 10 minutes away and the mall being nearby. I miss *gulp* Wal-Mart (and I hate Wal-Mart!). But seriously, the first time shopping in Kroger caused an actual panic attack. Grocery shopping should be easy and I had no idea where anything was or why everything had two separate prices. We’ve been here almost a year and I still haven’t navigated Kroger correctly and left with everything I needed… and seriously, who wants to drive 20 minutes on the highway because they forgot dog food?
Dance class… Kari’s teachers were absolutely amazing and her studio was close so I could drop her off and go home. The other dancers were fabulously skilled and they regularly attended competitions. We’d hoped Kari would begin competing in a couple years.
Scouts… Dylan and Oliver made their best friends in scouts and James and I made good friends with their leaders. We knew all the kids and their parents and we regularly attended meetings with the boys as often as we could.
School… Oh man… The last day of school last year was SO HARD. SO HARD. There were lots of tears on my part and the teachers’ part and the kids’ part. Clippard was such an amazing school that pushed and challenged and encouraged our kids. We just about never worried about bullying. Parents were really involved. Teachers had fantastic communication with the parents. So did the principal. Parents interacted and mingled outside of school while we waited for the kids to be let out. This doesn’t happen in Owingsville. Everyone drives. We walk as often as we can. I really miss chit-chatting with other moms while I waited for the kiddos.
Financial security… We made almost twice what we make now. We were able to pay all our bills and never worry about affording basics like health insurance and groceries (especially since we shopped at Aldi!).
Stability… our schedule never really changed. Yeah, there would be times when James would get bumped off his shift and onto a different one. But otherwise, things were stable. There was no seminary schedule that constantly changed. There were no flexible work hours. Life was well-ordered.
Church… This is where it gets really hard. We loved our church. I’m going to start with the easy part – the building. It was gorgeous. It still is, of course. It was well maintained by a fabulous custodian. Everything was all in one building! The classrooms were large, the Fellowship Hall that doubled as a contemporary worship space had a huge kitchen that passed inspection. The chairs for contemporary worship were comfy. The pews in the sanctuary were spaced out (after the remodel, anyway). The classrooms were colorful and inviting. We had WiFi. It was an incredibly comfortable environment.
But as much as I love that building, that Spirit-filled space, the people made it home. Grace UMC was the first church that welcomed me right from the start. They didn’t care who my relatives were or that I was un-churched. They didn’t care that I was young and pregnant and they didn’t assume James was my boyfriend instead of my husband (well, they may have, but they kept it to themselves). They loved my family, unconditionally and watched us grow from a young expectant couple to a family of six. These people showed me who God really was (and who he was definitely not). Because of them, I was finally courageous enough to accept the Spirit’s invitation to be baptized at 25 years old. Because of their encouragement, I discerned and accepted my call to work with children. They were constantly encouraging, supportive, loving, and yes, sometimes, sharpening when I needed it.
Friends… I don’t know if you realize just how lonely it is to be out here. James and I didn’t have a whole lot of friends for many years in Cape. But those last 5 years, we gained many friendships that we had to leave behind when we left. And not just friendships. Many of them were like family to us. Most of them are brothers and sisters in Christ, but not all. There is a certain grief that comes with moving away that is almost like dying. Not like watching a loved one die, but like being the loved one that is dying. It is so very hard. And you try to be happy and you try to not let them know just how hard things really are, because you know it hurts them to be without you, too. And if you’re happy, then it’s okay that you left. But if you aren’t happy, or things are incredibly difficult, then maybe you should have just stayed.
In leaving Cape Girardeau, we gave up the best people we had known our whole lives. It still brings tears to my eyes remembering all the goodbyes we said. I still miss Tuesday nights with Shauna and Sunday mornings with my Grace kids… I never knew what crazy thing Allie would say or what cute thing Levi would do. I could always count on Kenzie in my lap and hugs from Kylie. I can only just now sing worship songs from children’s church without bawling.
We gave up a sense of community, of belonging. Our entire support structure was within a 15 mile radius. We were not outsiders. We were not too different. We were not “the wrong kind”. Sure, we had our problems. We didn’t get along with everyone. Cape Girardeau is not this miraculous heaven-on-earth where everything is glitter and rainbows. It was just… home.
Family… while our family did not live in Cape Girardeau, they were still close enough to call upon easily for visits. Also, with James’ mom’s decline in health, we were near enough to help or actually do something. Being so far away makes us feel as though our hands our tied.
Peace of mind… There was very little stress and anxiety because we had financial security, a stable environment, a well-ordered schedule, and a very strong support system. When things went awry, we had back-up plans. Like when Kari sprained her ankle at school… I had an emergency baby-sitter to keep the boys while I sat at the hospital with her and James stayed at work. Or when James totaled the HHR. We had people to get the kids from school, we had friends to take us to the rental company and to the dealership and every other place we needed to get to in order to be driving our own vehicle again.
So you could stop reading there and think how miserable we must feel being here in Kentucky.
And that is why it is SO IMPORTANT to get the full story before making judgment calls. Keep reading, friends…
We gave up so much… but why?
That one is easy. Because James came home from bible study one day and said Pastor Tom asked when he was going to start seminary. Because the first time James preached, we both knew it was the right fit. Because the moment we stepped foot on campus at Asbury, we could feel the Spirit move. Because after much prayer and deliberation God said, “You finally heard me. This is where I’ve been directing you.” Because God called James. Because God called me, too. And that is what you do when God says “Move.” You move.
Now the Lord said to Abram, “Go from your country and your kindred and your father’s house to the land that I will show you. I will make of you a great nation, and I will bless you, and make your name great, so that you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and the one who curses you I will curse; and in you all the families of the earth shall be blessed.”
So Abram went, as the Lord had told him; and Lot went with him. Abram was seventy-five years old when he departed from Haran. Abram took his wife Sarai and his brother’s son Lot, and all the possessions that they had gathered, and the persons whom they had acquired in Haran; and they set forth to go to the land of Canaan.”
Genesis 12:1-5 NRSV
Again, you could stop reading there and think that not only are we miserable, we follow this crazy God. What kind of God would make us so miserable?
And again that is why it is SO IMPORTANT to get the entire story before making judgement calls.
We gave up so much because God called us to something higher than a comfortable good life. He called us to a life doing the hardest best work we could possibly do.
I hope you get a true picture of what our life was like beforehand. It was comfortable. We spent a lot of years living stretched too thin and exhausted. We spent a lot of years fighting and unhappy. We had years where we couldn’t pay our rent and had nothing for food and no time for each other. We had some hard years. Then life finally straightened out. We straightened out. And life got comfortable. That is when God called us. If he had called us three years prior – when things were hard – we would have said “yes” without praying about it, without thinking about it, just so we could try something different to dig ourselves out of the pit and I don’t think we’d have the meaning behind what we are doing like we do now. It was imperative that we were living a good, comfortable life, doing good, comfortable work and good, comfortable ministry. Because then we had something to give up. We had to make a sacrifice. God has always been about that.
A certain ruler asked him, “Good Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?” Jesus said to him, “Why do you call me good? No one is good but God alone. You know the commandments: ‘You shall not commit adultery; You shall not murder; You shall not steal; You shall not bear false witness; Honor your father and mother.’” He replied, “I have kept all these since my youth.” When Jesus heard this, he said to him, “There is still one thing lacking. Sell all that you own and distribute the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; then come, follow me.” But when he heard this, he became sad; for he was very rich. Jesus looked at him and said, “How hard it is for those who have wealth to enter the kingdom of God! Indeed, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.”
Those who heard it said, “Then who can be saved?” He replied, “What is impossible for mortals is possible for God.”
Then Peter said, “Look, we have left our homes and followed you.” And he said to them, “Truly I tell you, there is no one who has left house or wife or brothers or parents or children, for the sake of the kingdom of God, who will not get back very much more in this age, and in the age to come eternal life.”
Luke 18:18-30 NRSV
In the last verse of this scripture, Jesus says that whoever has had to give up their house or their family for God’s kingdom will get back “very much more” both in this life and the next. Beloved friends, let me tell you. We have received “very much more” already in this life. We are talking about an abundance of abundance. Let me expound…
Shopping… while it is true that I do not like Kroger as much as Schnucks, I no longer have to go to two or three stores to get everything under budget. I can get all my grocery shopping done while Kari is at dance class. Yay! And although we are 45 minutes from the mall instead of 5 minutes, the mall in Lexington is everything the mall in Cape was not. The shopping in general, is 100% better because Lexington is an actual city. So there’s a bit of a trade off here, but I’d say Kentucky wins this one, though it has taken me some time to see that.
Dance class… Kari’s new studio is farther away and it is much smaller. There is just one teacher and Kari is the youngest in a class that spans many ages. She not only does one dance in the recital, she did three this year AND she performed in The Nutcracker, something she’d never have gotten to do in Cape Girardeau. Because we are so close to Lexington, Kari got to see the Lexington Ballet Company perform The Nutcracker as well and it was an amazing experience for the both of us. She may never compete while at this dance studio, but she will learn from an exceptionally talented teacher who values the classics as well as play and fun in dance.
Scouts… Oh man. I LOVED our pack in Missouri. And I LOVE our pack here. We have been incredibly blessed in this arena. The boys have made new friends through scouts and they have had lots of learning opportunities here. Scouting is definitely celebrated here. I do miss the popcorn selling ability in Missouri – we had more time to sell and it sold more easily than it does here, but overall we’ve had a smooth and wonderful transition into this pack.
School… Kentucky schools seem to be behind in some ways, but they are definitely ahead in others. The kids learned Spanish this year. It’s part of their curriculum. I LOVE that. There are lots of afterschool activities that my boys have gotten involved in that have challenged them and pushed them to grow academically. Their teachers love them. They love their teachers. They’ve made great friends at school. Bullying is a little bit of an issue, but nothing too drastic has happened, thankfully. Our kids are the “new kids” so I did expect a little trouble. Overall, our experience with Kentucy schools have been good. I still wish more parents walked so we could meet more mom- and dad-friends.
Financial insecurity… We make a WHOLE LOT less than we used to. We qualify for Medicaid (even with my new job) and we utilize it. We could probably qualify for food stamps, but I haven’t applied because so far, we can afford groceries. Here’s the thing, despite our decreased income, we have been blessed in many ways.
First of all, our house in Missouri rented out very quickly. We moved out June 21st and they moved in July 1. We prayed incredibly hard over that one. There was no way we could make it with the house being empty. This is a huge blessing. Secondly, James’ classes are completely covered. Between scholarships from the seminary, the Missouri conference, the Missouri foundation, the church, the church foundation, and gifts from family, we haven’t had to pay anything at all. We’ve taken a very small loan each semester as a just-in-case and we really haven’t needed it. God is taking care of this one and making sure that James gets the education he needs in order to do His work.
I’m a little ashamed to admit it, but before coming out here, we hardly tithed. We always found a reason to not “afford it”. We could have cut out budget in some ways, but we just never did. We tithed, but definitely not 10%. More like 2%. Maybe 3%. I didn’t trust God to take care of us. But we resolved to tithe when we moved. If we were trusting God to do this crazy thing, we had to fully lean on him and give him complete control over our finances and for us, that meant tithing. Because I like round numbers and using cash instead of checks, we give something closer to 12%. We have not once missed a bill payment and even paid off a medical bill since being here.
This is not counting the generous giving we have received from our congregations. Their outpouring of love towards us has been overwhelming at times.
Stability… Life is a lot more hectic. Our schedules are MUCH more full. James is a full-time student and a pastor at TWO churches. I work 20-30 hours, plus volunteer as secretary for the churches, leader of children’s church at Bethel, co-leader of youth group at Owingsville, and leader of a bible study. Dylan is in three afterschool groups and scouts. Oliver is in one afterschool group and scouts. Kari is in dance class and takes piano lessons. We are insanely busy. BUT James is always home at bedtime. There are no more sleepless nights while James is at work, wondering if he’ll come home safely. We no longer worry in February about a possible layoff or in December about how we’ll make it while the plant is closed for the holidays.
Church… Instead of one large historical church on a historical plot of land (the plot is the site of a Civil War battle!), we now have two small historical churches (Owingsville was built in 1845!). With old buildings come problems and now those problems are our concern. There is no more reporting it to the pastor or the head of trustees and then forgetting about it. James is the pastor and he has to make sure things get done. But, boy, are they beautiful churches.
The people are so wonderful (mostly – hey people are people and we’re messy and broken and not always wonderful). The thing I love about Methodism is that it is the same no matter where you are. Sure, there are variations – contemporary vs. traditional, conservative vs. progressive, etc. But the theology is the same and when people are coming from the same place of grace that Wesley taught, they are essentially the same. So people here are just as welcoming and loving and generous as those back home.
Friends… this one is hard. So hard. I do not make friends easily and as an introvert, I’m loathe to invest time in someone if I don’t feel it will be reciprocated. So it’s not been easy to make friends here. However, I know my friendship with some friends back home has strengthened. When you can call and talk to someone who you no longer see everyday and talk to them like you just saw them yesterday, you know they are good friends. When someone can come with their 3 kids and stay in your tiny house (11 people in 3 bedrooms!) and still love you at the end of the weekend (and talk about doing it again!), you know you are good friends.
James and I have had to strengthen our bond as not just husband and wife, but as best friends. We’ve been each other’s best friend through this transition, the only one who really understands exactly what the other is going through. That’s been sanctifying.
And we are finally making deeper relationships with people. We can finally keep our heads above water, we can finally see the light, and so we can finally turn outward to other people and begin real relationship building. It’s already begun, actually, and I love it.
Family… we have not been in the same town as family for a very long time. I moved to Cape Girardeau in 2002 and James came the following year. So we’ve been kind of used to that. But we’ve never been this far away. That’s been difficult. But in those last years in Cape Girardeau, we did create a chosen family. I believe the same will happen here as time marches on. The really wonderful thing is that our churches are kind of like a ready-made family that we’ve stepped into.
Peace of mind… There are a lot of things that I don’t have the answer to. Like where will we go after James graduates? Or who will watch the kids if something happens? Or who will get James if he gets in an accident on his commute? Or how we will accomplish the things we want in the time we have here? But, just like with finances, we have placed it all in God’s trustworthy hands. He has come through for us before and He will again and every time. And THAT give me the greatest peace of mind I could possibly have.
This time of year is always one of reflection for obvious reasons. It’s Holy Week. We started the week with a triumphant march into Jerusalem waving Palm branches and we’ll end the week with the crucifixion of our Savior. Easter Sunday will bring with it the empty tomb and the hope that comes with the resurrection of our Lord and the knowledge of our eventual resurrection with him.
This year, however corresponds with another death that is near to my heart, just as did 14 years ago.
My grandmother raised me which is kind of common these days, but it wasn’t really when I was a kid. I was one of two kids I knew being raised by a grandparent. My mom was still in the picture and maybe one day I’ll write about that horror story, but not today. She died when she was 59 years old and I was just 18. She had stage 4 colon cancer and her life ended way too soon. She died on the Thursday before Easter after just one radiation treatment. She and my grandfather were Catholic and I remember how devastated he was to learn that the church would not perform her funeral until after the Easter holiday. I remember my grandpa, who I called Daddy for his hand in raising me, decided to cancel Easter that year and how my aunt convinced him that we could and should still celebrate. I remember how numb I felt and how grateful I was to my wonderful boyfriend for letting me just cry and cry. It’s one of the reasons I married him. There are days, like today, that I still cry and cry and he holds me and listens to me and gives me a little extra love on those days.
So today I want to write about my grandmother – who she was as a kid, an adult, and who I am because of her.
My grandma was born on September 13, 1943, right around midnight. She was born in the car. I guess this provided some confusion because her hospital certificate says September 14 while her birth certificate says September 13. She always celebrated on the 14th, though. Her parents wanted to name her Carolyn Sue Marshall and that is the name on her hospital certificate. But her older brother, my uncle Ronnie Gene, wanted her to be named Judith Anne Marshall and that is the name on her birth certificate. She went by both names for years and I used to tease her that maybe she had a twin that was lost at the hospital.
When she was little, her dad, my great-grandpa, served in Hawaii. I’m guessing this was right after WWII based on the photos of her in a hula skirt and lei. She had an older brother, as I said, and a younger brother. She used to tell me that she and her older brother hated each other so much that they wouldn’t walk on the same side of the street, but as adults they were very close. (I remember visiting my Uncle after gran had died and seeing how much he still grieved for her.) She wasn’t very close to her younger brother because he was so much younger having been born after my great-grandpa returned home from serving in the navy. I guess they were close for a little while when she was a young adult because he used to help out when my mom was born. Gran had lots of cousins and they were all very close as I understand it.
My grandma suffered from anorexia as a teenager. It was bad enough that she dropped out of the community college she was attending and spent some time in the hospital. She didn’t really like to talk about it much, so I don’t know any details. She said it was more about needing to exert control in her life and less about feeling like she was fat.
My grandma met my grandpa in the early 1960s. I think ’61. He was working in St. Louis at a train depot and so was her sister-in-law’s brother. She went to go visit her sister-in-law and there he was. They were married in February of 1963 and she converted to Catholicism in order to be married by a priest in the church. My mom was born in 1964 while my grandpa was stationed in Korea. I remember him telling me that the first time he saw my mom, he picked her up while my grandma was trying to change her diaper. She peed on him.
I don’t know a whole lot about their lives together. I know they lived in Georgia for a little while because my grandpa was in training or boot camp or something. That’s where she was when she heard that JFK was assassinated. She was ironing my grandpa’s shirt. They spent most of their life together in Missouri, specifically in St. Louis.
After my mom, my grandma gave birth to a little boy who died not long after birth. Then she gave birth to a stillborn little girl. They found out the may grandma was O negative and that was causing problems. They donated their daughter’s body “to science” as my grandpa says so that they could help other couples. We used to visit the little boy’s grave marker, which was next to my great-grandma’s.
My grandparents adopted my uncle in 1974. They were looking for someone closer to my mother’s age, but they fell in love with him and he needed a good family. He was not doing well in foster care and really needed medical care.
My mom was what was considered “a troubled child” – she had dyslexia and behavior problems and again that is another story for another time. I bring it up now just to say that when my mom got pregnant at 19 and gave birth to me at 20, my grandparents made the decision to raise me to make sure I was given all the opportunities I deserved. They did their best to protect me and take care of me and all the good things about who I am come from them.
My grandma taught me to sew, cook, and needlepoint. She didn’t have the time before she died to pass on all her knowledge about cooking and all her many recipes, but I have basis of knowledge to draw from and a deep love of being in the kitchen because of her. She is the reason that I love to sew and made a business out of it before Samuel was born. I remember being required to take Home Ec in Jr. High and knowing more about both cooking and sewing than my teacher did and being just enough of a smart aleck to point it out to her. And I remember my gran sending me to school with an extra pack of needles for the sewing machine and a note to my teacher explaining that I wouldn’t pull pins as I sewed and would break my needle multiple times. I still do this.
She taught me to take care of and take pride in a garden, whether it’s flowers or vegetables. She is the reason I plant irises in every yard of every house we live in – even though I hate irises! She is the reason I love flowers in general and the reason I have a basic understanding of how to raise a vegetable garden.
My gran is the reason I love to read. I could read at 2 years old but my gran said I didn’t like to do it. I remember her taking me to the brand new library in Arnold and signing me up for my first library card. She leaned over to me and whispered, “Now you can go anywhere in the whole world, and some places not in this world.” I took that to heart and learned the fine art of getting lost in a good book. To this day, when life is crazy and stressful, I pick up a book and travel to a different time and place. She is the reason that James reads because he began reading when I told him we had to be able to discuss books like Harry Potter and the Green Mile or dating me wasn’t going to work out. She is the reason I read to my children, even before they were born, which means she is the reason they love to read.
My gran is the reason that I love to dance. We moved to Arnold from South County and there was a little dance studio in a strip mall on Jeffco. The studio has since moved locations multiple times, but I remember driving past and she asked, “Would you like to learn to dance? I could take you to lessons.” And she is the reason I never quit, no matter how tired I was, how hard it was, or how much I felt like giving up. And I guess, she is the reason I met my husband. I met my best friend through dance class when I was 8 years old and 10 years later that friend introduced me to James. I never thought of it that way before. My gran was at every class, every recital, and every competition. She taught me to braid my hair and do my make-up because I couldn’t stand having someone else do it. She helped out backstage with the little dancers, long after I didn’t need her help anymore.
My mom moved out when I was 12. I had the option to go with her or stay with my gran. I stayed. My mom didn’t come around very often and when she got married, she allowed her husband to say awful things to me. I used to curl up in my gran’s lap and just cry. She never ceased to be able to make me feel better when I was down. Because I lived a life of stress and fear, I used to get stomachaches all the time. She’d sit on the couch and have me lay with her while she rubbed my tummy in just the right way to make it feel better. I think she knew she couldn’t change my situation, she couldn’t make my mother love me, and she couldn’t protect me from everything my mom did to me. But she could put the pieces back together when I fell apart.
My gran is the reason I went to college and graduated. I always knew that if I wanted to go to school, I’d have to work hard to get scholarships. My gran got really sick when I was 16, the summer before my junior year of high school. She nearly died then and she told me of a vision she’d had one night in the hospital. She saw her mom and her mom said, “Come on, Judy, it’s time to go. Your time here is done.” and my gran said, “I’m not ready yet. Let me just see Crystal graduate high school. We’ve worked so hard for this.” I did and I went to college. Between scholarships and grants, I didn’t have pay anything. I went to the school that my gran wanted me to go to, though she didn’t push me. I was in my dorm doing research for a paper when my grandpa called and said I needed to come home. She was dying. That was a Monday night. She died that Thursday and though I was by her side almost the whole time, she never woke up.
After she died, my life changed. Before she died, I’d been on a downward spiral. The damage my mother had done and the freedom I was finally given had taken its toll. I was drinking heavily and partying hard. I give my husband a lot of credit for the change and he is due that credit – he made it plain that our relationship wouldn’t work well if I couldn’t stop killing myself. But the truth is, he isn’t the only reason I dug myself up out of that pit. I knew my grandma would be devastated if she knew what I was doing. I stopped. James and I got serious. We got engaged on June 18, just two months after my gran died and only 8 months after meeting each other. He proposed after asking my grandfather’s permission and he used my gran’s engagement ring.
After Gran died, my grandfather asked James to be a pallbearer in the funeral. He was honored, but confused. It’s typically a place held for close family. James sat with me during the funeral, too. My mom told it was because my grandmother had told them she was glad I’d finally found “the one”. She knew James was my soul mate when she saw us together. This is something I’ve held on to throughout our relationship – anytime we’ve fought or been near the breaking point, anytime I wish I had my gran to call and get advice from, I remember that she saw this in us. I’m not saying it’s why we stay together – we stay together because we love each other and our relationship works only when we work on it. I’m saying when I feel like giving up, I remember her words and take them as encouragement to keep going. It’s the best I’ve got because she never got the chance to impart real marriage wisdom.
She never got to see me graduate college, get married, or have children. My wedding photos are empty without her in them. My children will never know her, not really. And that is heartbreaking.
In February of 2009, James and I found out we were expecting our third child, much to our dismay and fear. How could we have 3 kids? I was on birth control! We couldn’t afford another child! What were we going to do? Well we had her, obviously, and that’s yet another story for yet another day. But the point is – when we found out we were expecting a girl, I knew what her name needed to be: Karolyn Sue, after my gran. It’s very fitting for her, too. Kari is my gran’s spitting image. She’s spunky and vivacious and creative just like Gran. And even though they have never met here on earth, she has a strange connection to her great-grandmother. Kari loves to draw and when she was little, before school took up her time, she’d spend hours with paper and crayons drawing. I will never forget the day she handed me a drawing. It was three people and a Christmas tree. (Mind you, this was not during the Christmas season. In fact, it was around this time of year). I asked her to tell me about her picture – who were the people? “The little one is you as a little girl, Mommy. And this is your grandma and this is Papa Tony! This is from Christmas when you were little. Don’t you remember it?”
Oh. My. Heart. Yes baby, I remember.
So, that’s it. I’ve lived my entire adult life without the woman who raised me and it’s been a wonderful life. I have a husband and four precious babies that I wouldn’t trade for the world. But it has also been lonely and confusing without her, having no one to ask for marriage and parenting advice, no one to cook meals beside at holidays. I took for granted that she’d always be there. They say time heals all grief, but the truth is, you just feel it less often. When it comes back, and it will, sometimes at the most surprising times, it is still paralyzing and consuming. In the weeks after my grandmother’s death, I cried myself to sleep every night. In the years following, the number of times I cry and mourn her has decreased, but they still hit me. In the year after her death, I’d wake up in the middle of the night crying because I’d dreamt about her and had to experience her death again as I woke. This was nearly a nightly experience that first year. Now, it’s only once or twice a year, most often at this time of year. So if you see me this week and I’m melancholy or, on the flip-side, I’m overly sunshine-y, this is why. And it’s ok. It’s ok to talk to me about it or to hug me.
If you made it this far, thank you. Thank you for taking the time to read this. It’s been healing to write it and reflect on my gran her influence in my life.
Dear Reader,
I have been a bit absent lately. I knew that, eventually, that would happen. Life is crazy and I have about 100 other things to do. My blog, as much as I love it and need it for expression, is not a top priority. So for the last two weeks, I’ve been busy. Remember three weeks ago, I told you we got flowers from the the local greenhouse? Well I spent the last two weeks landscaping my front yard and creating a garden. I started two new bible studies, also. And last week was fall break. So I admit and apologize to being a bit behind.
Additionally, I’ve been struggling with what to write about. It’s not writer’s block, per se. I have plenty of ideas… It’s just a matter of choosing one and sitting down to do it. I considered journaling about the loneliness of this season, about what I’m learning in my formation class, about some of the things I’ve been dealing with, about the election… all of these are great topics and I could write for ages on them. I even promised more election posts.
Honestly, the closer we get to the election, the more I feel like I should have been writing about it all along. But I’ve avoided it for many reasons. There are SO MANY news articles, blogs, videos, memes, etc. about the election. Do you really need one more? And I’m reluctant, as the wife of a pastor, to share my political opinion, not because of who I support – I think my candidate deserves the presidency – but because I truly believe that a person’s voting preferences should be private (except between close friends and family who can care share kindly). Also, I don’t intend on engaging in a debate with anyone and I have no desire to moderate comments. Those who know me well probably already know who I’m voting for and why anyway. Those who don’t know are free to ask me in person and I may or may not tell you.
So here I am, writing to you about what I could write about. That’s blogworthy, isn’t it? Ha!
I guess what’s really on mind is a sort of continuation of my last post. I wrote about the season of life that we are currently in and learning to accept it and live life. Today in class, we were asked to pick one word that currently describes our formation. By formation, I mean my spiritual formation. Am I whole? Am I being formed into a whole person? Am I deforming? Am I holding steady? My word was progress. I wish I could have used a phrase. I would have said, “a work in progress”. If you asked me yesterday, I would have said frustration. But today, it’s progress.
Yesterday, I had to play catch up. Between the busy-ness of life and fall break, I had fallen behind on my bible study work, my homework for formation class, and my bible reading. I like to re-read the scriptures from our bible study group sessions at home so I can underline and date them and make notes. I hadn’t had a chance to do that and I was feeling that lack of being in the Word.
I don’t know about you, but if I go too long without reading and studying my bible actively, I get grouchy. I lose focus. I fall off the track. Now, I still went to church Sunday. I still read scripture. I went to bible study Sunday night, too. But I hadn’t made time to really DIVE in and prayerfully study God’s word since Wednesday. I was feeling it. All morning, I kept waiting for the baby to take a nap. He began to get cranky around 10 and although I wasn’t keen on him having an early nap, I was a little excited for it, too. I really wanted to do what I wanted to do! Ha. He sure showed me. That cranky toddler threw a two hour long “I’m-not-going-to-nap” fit. I cradled him. I rocked him. I did everything but nurse him (we’ve weaned away that midday nursing). He wouldn’t sleep.
My husband came home for lunch and I thought “Hallelujah! He always falls asleep at lunch!” No such luck. By 1 o’clock, I was so frustrated that I was seeing red. My man could tell and he offered to take the boy with him to the office so I could have the quiet time with God that I so desperately needed.
My point in all this is that yesterday, I didn’t have it all together. Using “formation language” you could probably say that I was very much living in my functional form. I was grouchy and frustrated because I couldn’t function the way I wanted to. It wasn’t until after I did my formation homework that I really was able to see that. But I saw it, and I said to myself, “Huh. I wish I’d been paying attention earlier. I could have done things a little differently.”
Today I said my word was progress. I said that for two reasons. One is simply that I noticed the deeper reason for my frustration. I was able to be self aware and maybe next time make a just noticeable change.
Which brings me to my next reason. I have made a just noticeable change. It’s so small that I hardly noticed it, but my best friend did.
Two of my four kids are getting glasses. We found out on Thursday. In Kentucky, kids have to have an initial eye exam. In Missouri, they don’t. So D was the only one who’d had an exam before and that was 4 years ago. So all three big kids went to the eye doctor. O and K are nearsighted and have an astigmatism. So glasses were prescribed for both of them. Our insurance covers one pair of glasses per child per year. We chose glasses that are 100% covered. When I was telling my friend, I was totally calm about it. Concerned, of course, but not surprised. James has terrible eyesight so I knew that the odds were against us when it came to glasses. O has pretty much always complained about light being too bright and K has been squinting at things far away. I hadn’t thought too much of it, because it was rare and she wasn’t complaining. I wasn’t just acting calm when I was telling my friend. I was calm.
Later, she told me how surprised she’d been that I wasn’t upset. Six months ago, I would have been a wreck. I’d have called her crying, worrying about the cost long term and all the various unknowns about having glasses. She’s totally right. I would have. It wasn’t just that the insurance covered the cost that kept me from losing my cool.
When O sat in the eye doctor’s chair and it became very apparent he couldn’t see the letters, a sinking feeling began to creep in: My child needs glasses. Then I heard the enemy say: You are such a bad mom. How did you not know that he needed glasses? It’s your fault he needs them in the first place. You are a bad mom. Only bad moms have kids who can’t see.
Woah. Back that train of thought up. The enemy is sly and he is tricky, but he is not smart. He started spouting very obvious lies to me. Seriously, did he expect me to believe that I was a bad mom because my kid needs glasses? Well, yeah probably and six months ago, I would have probably listened to him. Not because it’s something I actually think or believe. I wouldn’t have thought YOU were a bad mom because your kid needs glasses. Just me. Twisted, I know.
Once I recognized that it was that sly old snake talking to me, I was able to shake myself of him and focus on my child. Yes, he needs glasses and the next few months are going to be hard on him and his sister. But my God has a plan. He has a plan for them. He had a plan for them even before I knew I was going to have them (Psalm 139:16). Having glasses does not derail that plan, it is part of that plan. Acknowleding and accepting that is what has made all the difference for me.
Today in class I learned that the language for this acceptance is appreciative abandonment and that I was able to do it because of an awe disposition. In the last six months God has shown me again and again how He has had (and will continue to have) a huge hand in my life. I have become in awe of Him. I am in total amazement at what He has done and what He can do. That has led to me being more and more appreciative of Him and I am more willing to abandon my whole self to Him.
So on Thursday when the eye doctor confirmed that O and K needed glasses, I took a breath and heard God in the midst of the ordinary day whisper: I’ve got this, you will be ok, and they will be ok. Then I could move forward and abandon myself to trust Him.
So that’s why I say I’m progressing. I’m still not the gentle spirit I’d like to be. I’m not appreciative all the time. I’m working on it. It’s just noticeable change. Just a little bit at a time. It’s incredibly freeing. I can breathe easier and worry less. And if you know me at all, that’s HUGE. I’m a worrier. I will probably always be a worrier. But I’m worrying less today and that’s good.
Father God,
Thank you so much for today and for all the ways in which you speak to me. Thank you for the love that you have shown me and have helped me to have. I am in awe of You and all that You have done for me. I find myself singing your praises whenever I can, despite the fact that I cannot sing. I never thought I would be head over heels for you, but I am. God, I ask that you help me continue to cultivate an attitude of awe and amazement toward You and Your works. I pray that you will help me to see you in the everyday-ness. I ask that anyone reading this feels uplifted and inspired to change their perspective in a just noticeable way. And I pray that I can be a conduit for you whenever You need me to be. I am so grateful for you and I’m grateful for those who read this. In your Son’s name I pray, Amen.
Some of you may know that for the last seven weeks I have been studying the Psalms of Ascent. This is a selection of 15 Psalms that were sung primarily as pilgrims traveled to the temple for the three Great Feasts – the Feast of Unleavened Bread, the Feast of Weeks, and the Feast of Tabernacles. As a part of this study, we were to re-write these Psalms in our own words to help us personalize them. That is what this whole post will be. I’ll include links to the original Psalms in the HCSB as well.
Psalm 120 – Salvation from Liars
Lord, in my time of need, I cry out to You and You will answer me.
Lord, save me from the pain caused by dishonest friends.
Show them the cost of their lies.
Show them the price they pay.
I was miserable in that place between friend and foe.
I lived too long searching for truth but surrounded by lies.
I tried for too long to make peace when fighting and deception were all they wanted.
Psalm 121 – Protected on my Journey
I look around me and wonder,
Where will my help come from?
I look around and see my help is from my God who created me.
My Lord will not allow me to fall.
He will not desert me.
My Lord protects me as a mother protects her child.
He holds me close.
I will not fear the weather or the terrain of this earthly life.
The Lord, my God, protects my whole life.
He sees me coming and going always and is with me wherever I go.
Psalm 122 – Peace
I joyfully gather my family and we head to the house of the Lord
You brought us to this town of Yours,
A town in need of something,
Where people are loving and generous,
But need more of You.
We gather in our churches
We pray for Your city and for ours.
May we see growth and prosperity
May there be peace.
We will seek you, Oh God,
Because of the joy we have in Your House.
Psalm 123 – God’s Mercy Breaks Disrespect
Father God, I look up to you
As I humble myself before Your greatness,
I look up to You.
My eyes are on you
Like a man watching his lover
Like a new mother watches her babe.
My eyes are on You
Waiting for you to look on me.
God, grant me mercy
Grant me mercy
Show me mercy and save me from
the hurt of disrespect and ridicule.
End the torrent of harsh words.
Set me free from my prison cell.
I’ve had enough.
Psalm 124 – God is For Us!
If God had not been on my side,
I say again,
If God had not been on my side
When attacked by “friends” and enemies
I would have been swallowed up
Their anger against me
would have burned through my soul
Leaving me broken.
I would have drowned in sorrow.
Praise the Lord!
He did not let me succumb to their wicked ways.
I could not sink to their depths with Him by my side.
I broke free from their chains of anger and deceit!
My help comes from God.
My creator, the Maker of all things.
Psalm 125 – God is Unshakable
When I trust God,
my faith is unshakable.
The Lord surrounds me like a
crown of thorns.
Wickedness will not remain in my life.
Lord, by good to me!
I try to do good and be righteous.
Banish those who seek to harm me.
Let there be peace in my life.
Psalm 126 – Wait for the “Next Good Time”
When God heard my prayer and relieved my worries,
I could scarcely believe it!
I was filled with joy and laughter.
People around me saw me and knew
that God had blessed me.
God has blessed me and I was joyful!
Revive me again, Oh Lord!
I will shout for joy after you’ve dried my tears.
I will shout for joy when crying has done it’s work.
Psalm 127 – Don’t do it Without God
Without God, your home will fall apart.
Without God you wear yourself out
and use up your energy.
Rest, child.
Children are a reward from God,
a heritage to pass on.
They will defend us when we need them.
They make us happy when they do!
Psalm 128 – Be Fruitful
I am happy to revere my Lord and follow His path.
If I follow Him, He will provide for me, and I will be happy.
Our family – both by blood and by Spirit –
will be numerous and fruitful.
This is a blessing from Our God.
He blesses us so that we may see the goodness of Him.
Peace be with us.
Psalm 129 – I am Oppressed
Since I was young,
I have face oppression.
But here I am, in love with Christ!
My attackers have not won!
Though they tried to overtake me,
though my struggle has been long,
My Lord is righteous and
He has set me free from that pain.
Let those who hate me learn to love.
Let those who persecute Christians
be astound by His very face.
Have mercy on them, God.
And bless them so they know You.
Psalm 130 – Full Redemption
Father God, I call to you from the deepest darkness!
I pray you will hear me and listen to me for I need your help!
Creator God, I am so grateful that you erased my sins.
Your forgiveness means that I can do work for your glory.
I will wait for You, God. I will wait and hope.
I wait for You expectantly.
Will You shine Your morning light into my darkness?
I am putting my hope in You, Lord.
Your faithful and unfailing love will set me free.
I am redeemed!
Psalm 131 – Without Pride
Lord, my God, I am not proud of myself.
I don’t look down on others or think I’m better than people.
I try to stay out of other people’s business.
I try not to overstep myself and interpret Your mysteries.
Instead, I try to be calm and quiet,
Like a child in its mother’s arms.
I want to be held in Your arms, Father God.
I will put my hope in You, now and forevermore.
Psalm 132 – David’s Hardships
Oh Lord, my God, remember me and the troubles I’ve faced.
Remember how I’ve worked to know You?
I now vow to include You through prayer and invitation
in my daily life and activities.
Do not let me sleep until I have come to You in prayer.
I have read of David’s attempts to retrieve the ark of the Lord
and his hardships in Your Word.
I do not want that for me.
Lord, my God, come to me!
I will come to You in worship and praise!
Clothe me in righteousness and I will sing with joy!
Because I will serve You faithfully, do not reject me.
The Lord swore an oath to David,
and this promise is now mine.
“My Son sits on the throne forever,
even though you could not keep My decrees.”
The Lord has chosen Zion and He has chosen me.
He has chosen me.
He desires me.
He has made a heavenly Jerusalem for me and my people.
That is what He desires for me.
If I arrive hungry, He will feed my soul.
He has made me a priest in His kingdom
and I am clothed in salvation.
I will sing for joy!
My God and My Savior are so bright with glory and majesty.
My Messiah has come.
Psalm 133 – Unity
It’s so wonderful family can get along!
It’s even better when God’s family can exist in harmony!
We don’t need to be divisive!
Let’s unite!
In our unity, we will find life everlasting!
Psalm 134 – Benediction/Blessing
My Sisters, may God bless you as we leave this study.
May His Psalms of Ascent be ever on your heart.
May they fill your spirit in times of darkness and in times of light.
May the God of Zion, the maker of Heaven and earth,
bless you and be blessed by you forever.
Well, I hope you have enjoyed these little psalms of mine. They were not always easy to write, but they are what I think psalms should be – deeply personal conversations with God. If you want to do a study of the Psalms of Ascent, I highly recommend Beth Moore’s Stepping Up. It’s very good. I am changed for having done it. If you’d like to do this same exercise, feel free to share your own psalms in the comments!
Momma's Musings 